so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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