You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
