I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
