Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
