If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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