I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
