I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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