So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
