They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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