I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
