she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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