I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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