when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize