I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
