You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize