we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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