Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
