The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
