I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I would ride that face into the sunset
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
