well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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