every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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