and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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