8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
