Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
