someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
