Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
