I want to make a zoo with you.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
