i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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