I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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