Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have peed in a lot of sinks
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