she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
cat food counts as protein by the way
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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