If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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