I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
this beer tastes like vomit already
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
