3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
