Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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