My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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