Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
