Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize