I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
