Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
