I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
