I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
