Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize