I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
