I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
