We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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