I could make wine with my vomit
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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