if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
