i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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