Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
