When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
