You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
