Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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