Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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