I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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