Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
