Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
