Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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