just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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