I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
