Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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