Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
