In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
